Total Recall.

I spend a lot of fruitless effort these days trying not to think about you. Blocking out that hallowed hallway we walked is too hard for me tonight. So, I won't. I'm going to share our oddities. The weirdest, best, and worst of things that happened to us. It doesn't matter where we are now, but where we were. I guess I just wanted you to know I'm not going to look back on these things any differently. And it's taken me awhile to get here.

Locker.

For my entire high school career I never locked my locker. Ever. Do you remember that? It used to drive you crazy. I think it did anyways. I would just leave it sitting there slightly unlatched because I could never work the combination locks. And then the off times when the teachers would catch me leaving it open and make me lock it, I would get you to open it for me, because you knew my combination. Haha - then remember that one day I came to school in the morning and it was locked and you didn't show up? I had to get Slim to saw it open. I think that happened more than once. I never could work those freaking things. There's something wrong with me.

"You look so good in blue. You look so good in blu-u-u-u-ue."

Okay, so we had multiple nicknames for a certain teacher. I'm not going to say anything about that because I'm terrified he's reading this right now and I won't betray any secret info. He taught us philosophy in the morning, second period I think? Right before lunch. Anyways, I would always be so tired because, well, you know me, I don't sleep like a human being, plus my headaches, and I would always miss his class. I remember that I missed every single test he ever gave in philosophy except one. Isn't that nuts? I never got in trouble either. He used to be scared of me or something. We used to laugh about that. Remember how you and me used always sit in the back corner of class and hassle James? I always took it way too far. One time I tried to draw faces on his arm. We used to spray perfume on him and he'd always yell, "I smell like girl!" and freak out. I remember one time he actually retaliated and started fighting back, and the teacher-in-question just said "James, what's going on back there?" and he didn't get me in trouble at all. I never understood that. So weird. Haha - I remember one time the teacher used a Captain Planet reference in philosophy. It's so weird calling him "the teacher". When he first started that year, the guys all referred to him by his first name. He only told them to stop for a few weeks. We all called him by his first name. Habit.

Emo Lab

I spent a lot of time alone at that school and a lot of time crying. But we all did. I remember we all left Slim's lab classes in tears at one time or another. Erica left a few times in tears and he would always just continue on teaching as though someone hadn't just ran out sobbing. Bre left in tears once. I didn't give him the satisfaction. I remember one time you and I were talking and he shouted at us to "SHUT UP OR GET OUT!" and then he continued to yell something. We shut up. I was going to get out. But I didn't. One time he was standing on that one wooden lab stool reaching for something in the cabinets and it was sort of tipping. I was wondering what would happen if he fell and just broke his neck. Or if I helped the situation along. That was when I realized something was wrong with me. Then there were those times he was so nice. He took us to Tim Hortans. Or when we made peanut brittle in chem lab. He had such a pomp to him. But I could wrap him around my finger. I remember that it was too easy to say exactly what he wanted to hear because he was so wrapped up in whatever he was wrapped up in. I really wish I didn't spend so much time alone that last year. It really sucked and I missed you guys.

Tears tears tears.

Speaking of crying, do you remember right before I dropped out in year 11 when we were all taking accounting with Pinks? I had to make up a test I had missed for whatever reason. I missed a lot of stuff back then. Mrs. P [Slim's sister for those reading] said she could tell I wasn't doing very well because she could see it in my eyes. I wanted to tell her she was full of crap, and that I just wanted to cry, and I was holding it in and to get out of my freaking face with her coffee breath already. She gave me the test and I took it to the next room over [the lunch room]. I just stared at her bogus questions. They were ridiculous. She had this habit of blanking out the only words you needed in the fill in the blanks section. Like "The ___ was ____." How the frak do I know?! I really couldn't take it that day. She couldn't teach and I couldn't think. Everything was messed up so I lost it right there. I just cried. Anyways, Taylor walked by, doing his goofy bobble-headed noisy walk that only he does, right? And he saw me and made this noise like he'd just seen a murder. He turned in his tracks and ran for it. I jumped up before I knew what I was doing and ran after him saying something like, "Taylor, wait!" I just grabbed him and hugged him. We never talked about it again after that.

Top 3 Flip-outs. of my high school career.

So I'm normally a fairly level headed person. But on the off occasion that I flip out, I flip out pretty flamboyantly. And I prefer that my friends are around to see it, so I do not have to recount it 10 million times in horror/pride. I have a few to get through here so let's begin.

Lunch Room

So there I was, alone for some reason in the lunch room. I was sitting there, not eating anything particularly tasty, or I would have remembered. I think you and company had calculus at this point. In walks Kevin, Taylor and Ken. Now don't get me wrong, on a good day I like Kevin, Taylor, and Ken. But on a bad day KTK can be a womanizing, annoying, unwashed, rude element that makes me angry, especially if I haven't eaten properly which were most days of my high school career. [Also for those reading it's important to note that at my school we are all very close-knit. So I know these boys. Man, do I know these boys. And they, quite frankly, DESERVED WHAT THEY GOT!] Anywho, there I was sitting, enjoying the silence, minding my own business when I hear Taylor and Kevin talking about whatever disgusting sexual positions or innuendo their brain capacity can handle. This is nothing new, what is new however, is that they are doing it *loudly* and forcing everyone to hear them. I saw Christine eyeing me sadly from across the room almost asking for help. I blink slowly trying to force them out the back of my head to no avail, instead hearing them continue their conversation on what types of "tits" they preferred. I lost it, standing up and smacking the table.

"That's it!" I shouted walking towards them slowly, my finger pointing at no one in particular. "If I hear one more inappropriate word from any of you I will march down to Slim's office and tell him exactly what your 'tit preferences' are!'"

It was sort of a grand scene. Kevin's hands were held in front of him like I was going to shoot him. Taylor was sort of laughing and Ken had retreated like the lackey he is. My plan was to go back to my table and continue eating whatever I had triumphantly, but by this point I was shaking too much with angry Shawna adrenaline, so I just stomped off. Later Christine found me and said thank you for what I did. She also said that Taylor said I was probably off "crying in a corner somewhere." Which made me want to tear him a new one. It also sort of stung because it made me wonder if he had told anyone about that one time in the hall. I like to think the best of him and say he didn't but I don't know. He's really botched things up between us. I won't even go into it. Later you found me and I told you and the rest of the group what happened. I know you've always thought I over-reacted. You're wrong. You usually are.

Hockey Tournament.

I don't know if I've ever mentioned it here, but I'm sort of big into the sports thing. Or I was in high school. At this particular tournament, floor hockey, you and I were playing defence on the A team, which was Tyler's team of course. Man, I love Tyler. [Not to be confused with Taylor, readers.] Kevin was playing goalie for us, which was weird, because you were always our goalie. I didn't want Kevin to play goalie because 1] I thought you were better 2] I thought he was unreliable. Maybe these points are in hindsight but whatever. Anyways, the time comes where we're about to play a fairly important game and Kevin decides he doesn't "want to play in net." Naturally this gets my feathers in a ruff. I find him and go off on him about how you don't abandon your team when you make a commitment and you don't let your teammates down. He just gave me his crap excuses that he never wanted to play in the first place. I gave him my "you're dead to me" glare and walked away. I sort of shouted at him. Anyways, you laced up your pads and got in net and half-way through that game Kevin was coming out onto the court to say something to you about strategy or something during a time-out, and I ran out onto the court and hissed at him to "Get his butt back behind the line now." I may have also said something along the lines of "You have no right to be here." I get mean apparently. Whatever. He gave up his right. We won that game without him.

New York

I don't even want to talk about this one actually. You remember it. Taylor was such a jerk! Bre, Holly, and I broke in and pranked Edgar, Andrew, and Owen's room and Taylor gets all slighted? What? Yeah it was messed up. Taylor accused me of ruining the NY trip for everyone. I was literally ready to kill the kid at the time. You don't know this but I cried in the creepy stairwell one of those nights. I was more upset that you wouldn't support me - that you said I over-reacted. You were more concerned with staying politically correct. That really, really stung. You didn't even care that I was upset.

YouTube

You were always so supportive of YouTube and so was everyone else that I was comfortable sharing it with. It was really nice having the support. I do remember one time Brandon [aka minor niner attitude pack general] walked up behind me when Slim and I were talking [which means of course Slim was talking *at* me] and he said something YouTube related. "Shawna makes videos of herself On the internet speaking different languages". I wanted to kill him. I've blogged this before. But I'm so adept at handling Slim that I was able to brush it off easily. Brandon, however, he shall pay. Oh. He shall pay. And what an idiot. "Languages?" I'm not multilingual, turd. I can do accents. Enjoy community college, janitor.

Love or lack thereof.

And there was that time there was that boy, and that trip to toronto, and that dark/long/short/tense/calm ride in the back seat where I didn't hold his hand and I don't regret it, but writing this sentence contradicts that. And I sat beside him in the hallway of the Holiday Inn while everyone else was swimming. The carpet stretched for miles and I had to tell him why we couldn't be together. And we jumped on strangers' trampolines at night. And we used to be those kids who went to parks at night. We used to lie on blankets in the field outside his house and look at the sky at midnight. We used to throw gravel in the rain and be connected at the shoulders in your pontiac sunfire driving at night. But we don't do that any more do we? Because saying no was too hard, and the truth is it hurt to look at him directly. You said you'd never seen me like that. But feelings only matter to a point. You do what you know is right. Even if the blue eyes cut you to your soul and back. Even if they still do a year later.


I guess that's all I have to say. For now. I might do this again tomorrow. Or whenever I fel like it. It's good for me I think.

I don't know if you'll ever read this. I'm sorry if it upsets you. I'm sorry if you feel like I have no right. I'm just sorry in general.